I should have learned to sew. It's what has been going through my mind these past few weeks as I get ready to return to work. "I should have learned to sew! Then I could stay home and make all kinds of cute baby clothes to sell online and make money that way. So I could stay home with my baby."
Truth is: I suck at crafts. I mean, I make a few good things, but let's face it. I'm an impatient person who hates going through a process slowly and carefully. I'd rather head full-force into something at 100 mph, in a tank, on caffeine. That's how I am. I get things done and done quickly. So sewing would be the death of me. Besides, why waste 4 years making something I can go buy today?!
Time to move on to Plan B. "I should look into becoming a nanny. That way I can just take my daughter with me and hey, I'm already watching one child, what's three or four?" Know what three or four is? THREE OR FOUR. I've already been through my days of watching other children. I was fifteen. And there was no other way to make money. So...that scratches that plan. What now?
Well, it took a LOT of thinking, kicking, fighting, researching, envying and finally, surrendering. You see, I'm not a seamstress. But my Lord is. He's knitting together a wonderful piece of His plan through my obedience to Him. I'm also not a nanny. But I will have a chance to love and show kindness to God's children through my interactions at work.
Believe me, I would rather be waking up early to get a bottle ready than get my hair and face ready for work. I'd rather smell like formula, sweat or spit-up than smell of sweet perfume. I'd rather be wearing my pajamas the entire day than wear my name tag. But it's just not so. It's not MY calling. It's not MY plan either.
As I sit here and type, my baby girl is sleeping right next to me, quietly sucking her thumb and dreaming. I look at her and think how on earth I will get through this? Will she remember me after being gone for 10-11 hours a day? Will she still find comfort in my arms? Will I be able to focus on my job rather than worry about her every minute of my day? Right now, I don't know these answers. I don't know how I will feel. I can't say that I won't cry when I re-enter my building and punch in for the day. I can't say that I won't shed a tear when I see a customer walk in with their baby. But I CAN say that I know who is in control. I know that I have faced extremely hard times in my life before and have thought the same way-how will I ever get through this? I just WILL.
It is the hope I have deep inside my heart that keeps my fear in check. I know that as a child of God, my heart is laid out wide open for the Lord and He KNOWS it's deepest desires. Just because the Lord didn't call me to sew or nanny or simply stay at home as a full-time mom doesn't mean He doesn't love me or hear my prayers. It also doesn't mean that I won't get to stay home someday.
It's just not today.
Maybe tomorrow, maybe next year, maybe the next child. But the bible does tell me to keep on asking! Keep on praying, keep on knocking! There's that hope I was referring to! The Lord WANTS me to continue to build my faith and KEEP ON KEEPING ON! :) He's no genie in a lamp. He doesn't grant three wishes and is done. He answers our prayers. Our consistent prayers. "...the earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." James 5:16
"Keep on asking and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7
My heart is aching, my eyes are teary, and my mind is anxious. But my God is FAITHFUL. I know this journey is new and uncertain, but I can rest in the midst of it all. There is so much more to learn through this all than what I imagine it to be. So much bigger a picture than what I can dream. So much greater a reward than I can fathom. That's exciting!
So with that said, I've decided to compile a list of things that I want to do with my daughter on my days off. Things that I love doing now with her, that I know I will miss getting to do everyday. I will make the most of the 2 days a week that she is all mine, all day. Here's what I have so far and I would LOVE to see more suggestions!
1. On my days off, I let her nap on my chest. It doesn't happen all the time because I've got laundry to do, food to prepare, a bed to make, etc. Day off? She sleeps soundly on mama's chest, next to her heart where she belongs.
2. I sing, read and play with her. I don't sit her in front of her favorite video all day or put her on her playmat so I'm free to do chores all day. I enjoy my time with her and make memories.
3. I refrain from social media, internet, TV, etc. as much as possible. She has my full attention.
4. I laugh with her.
5. I will have a heart of gratitude and not one of spite or jealousy.
6. I keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking and keep hoping.
"I should have learned to sew..." Ha! What was I thinking?!
